Deafening silence

Those sanctimonious archaeology wallahs over at the Heritage Journal who drone on about metal detecting as being somehow damaging to the heritage, have kept schtum about one particular thieving incident. Odd that, innit, you might fink; they being such pious ‘goody-goodies’. So let’s remind ‘em. Continue reading

Lies, damned lies, and excavation reports

One of Britain’s venerated archaeologists, the late Sir Mortimer Wheeler (1890 – 1976) who excavated the Iron Age hill fort at Maiden Castle in Dorset, in 1936 and 1937 has been accused by a leading academic of ‘misleading’ historians by ‘inventing’ a battle purported to have been fought in 43AD.

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‘Tis the Season of Goodwill

Let’s hear it for those two mirth makers, Warsaw Wally and Heritage Harry, who’ve  kept  the detecting community entertained and chortling throughout 2019.

Here’s twenty-three invaluable tips to vastly enhance and expand their pisspoor blogs – just for them. Innit.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with

3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)

4. Employ the vernacular

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive

8. Contractions aren’t necessary

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos

10. One should never generalize

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés

13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous

14. Be more or less specific

15. Understatement is always best

16. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement

17. One-word sentences? Eliminate

18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake

19. The passive voice is to be avoided

20. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms

21. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed

22. Who needs rhetorical questions?

23. Give me ambiguity or give me something else


Things I learned from the movies.

• Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people–whether they are employed or not.

• At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

• Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

• Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

• When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

• If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

• Honest and hard-working cops are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

• Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

•It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving.

• You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

• If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

• Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

• Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

• When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.


If you display  three or more of these  : –

• Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance

• Lack a sense of humour

•Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration

• Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it

• Exaggerate achievements and talents

• Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people

• Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior

• Expect special favours and unquestioning compliance with their expectations

• Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others

• Be envious of others and believe others envy them

• Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious

Then you probably suffer from reperta archaeologica suasionem serpentis. Even though this is a comparatively rare condition, cases of the disorder have I’m told, appeared  in Eastern Europe and in England’s Mercia region.

The condition is easily cured if it’s caught in the early stages and followed up with a course of psychotherapy. However, in two known untreated cases, the sufferers morphed into terminal sphincters.

To my global reader(s), have a very merry Christmas and a happy, prosperous, and a lucrative 2020!



Just desserts…..

I never ceased to be amazed at the idiocy of the criminal mind. Britain has some of the most liberal treasure laws in the world where finders of treasure are treated fairly and rewarded for their honesty. In 99.90% of the time it works well. What happened to a pair of detectorists who thought they could outwit the system have been caught bang to rights. Both receiving hefty custodial sentences of eight and ten years apiece. Continue reading